Replacing a toilet - my way...

Here's how to replace a toilet. Um, well, at least it is ONE way to replace a toilet.

1) Notice crack in bowl of toilet. Realize that toilet is not leaking water, so ignore for 5 years.
2) Get annoyed by toilet making funny noises at night, because the flapper-valve is slowly leaking water. Promptly address this problem by getting up and closing bathroom door so you can't hear the funny noises anymore. Continue doing this for another 2 years.
3) When flapper-valve finally breaks, rendering the toilet useless, un-fixable and un-ignorable, go to Home Depot and buy $79 all-in-one-box toilet replacement. Congratulate yourself.
4) Get up Sunday morning and start dis-assembling old toilet. Spill very much nasty water all over bathroom floor. Curse. Scare dog by shouting. Consider just burning house down.
5) Finally get water line disconnected, toilet tank resting on its side in shower, and old toilet bowl leaving rust mark on carpet. Address the icky wax-ring leftovers. Gouge said icky wax-ring leftovers off closet flange with finger. Get icky wax-ring leftovers all over both hands. Curse more.
6) Clean fingers with industrial-strength carcinogenic solvent.
7) Examine closet flange and realize it's broken and must be replaced. Consider just putting new toilet on the old, broken flange anyway, but then decide to "do the job right." Congratulate yourself again. Stick washcloth in stinky sewer pipe and head back to Home Depot.
8) At Home Depot, look around for 15 minutes before finally finding someone who knows something about plumbing. Take his advice and buy a new closet flange, new water-supply line and PVC cement. Go back home.
9) Find that washcloth has fallen down into sewer pipe, but is still visible. Realize that those long "hook-out" pliers in your tackle box are the perfect tool to retrieve the washcloth. Spend 20 minutes moving crap around in the garage to get to the shelf where the tackle box is. Retrieve "hook-out" pliers and take back to the bathroom, and realize they're too big to fit down in the sewer pipe. Curse more. Stick your damn arm down in the pipe and grab the fucking washcloth. Wonder if you have enough gasoline to get the house going good.
10) Try to cut top of pvc closet flange off of sewer pipe with hacksaw. Take hacksaw blade out of handle because it-just-won't-work-right with the handle, and try holding the blade by hand while cutting off top of flange. Scrape all skin off knuckles. Cut 3/5 of way through flange before giving up and just breaking the damn thing off with a very large screwdriver. Curse more. Consider hiring a plumber.
11) Again using hand-held (and now bent and twisted) hack-saw blade, cut down through sidewall of remaining closet flange where it is glued into pvc drain pipe. Give up and chip the rest of the flange out of the drain pipe with same large screwdriver and hammer. Congratulate yourself for being wise enough to put the damn washcloth back down in the drain pipe where it was to catch the pvc chips as they fall. Clean out pvc chips and washcloth, and congratulate yourself again. Wonder if you have any beer.
12) Using pvc primer and cement as directed, glue new closet flange into drain pipe. Dismiss thoughts that it looks like it is sticking up too high.
13) Test-fit toilet and realize that the t-bolts are WAY too long if you're ever going to get the decorative caps to cover the bolts. Take bolts and get in car.
14) Go over to parents' house, because they have a vise and a functional hacksaw, and cut the t-bolts to length. Go back home.
15) Put t-bolts in flange. Turn new toilet upside down and install new wax ring. Place toilet on new closet flange and t-bolts. Squish everything down really good. Install washers & nuts and tighten.
16) Install tank on toilet, despite the total lack of functional directions. Congratulate yourself again.
17) Hook up new water-supply line to tank. Turn on water. Turn off water. Mop up water. Re-tighten water supply line. Turn on water. Check for leaks, find none. Congratulate yourself.
18) Intall valve handle. Hook chain from flapper valve to handle. Flush toilet. Find no leaks. Begin to realize you are a naturally gifted plumber.
19) Wonder why the flapper valve won't stay up and let the water drain, requiring you to hold the handle down to flush the toilet. Curse. Try again several times, noting that nothing changes. Check useless directions. Check warranty. Consider burining house down. Look at flapper valve again and finally see the teeny-tiny rubber band they put on it at the factory to keep it from flapping in shipping. Remove rubber band. Find that toilet flushes perfectly and doesn't leak. Consider opening a plumbing school.
20) Attach toilet seat and lid to toilet. Notice large sticker on the front of tank advising you to remove the rubber-band from the flapper valve. Curse.
21) Check toilet and find that it is very wobbly and the front lower edge is about 3/8" off the floor. Think this is probably not good.
22) Eat lunch. Drink beer. Fall asleep watching football.
23) Wake up when fiancee calls you on the telephone to say she's coming over with her dogs.
24) Go back to Home Depot. Purchase 20 washers. Go back home to find fiancee there with her dogs.
25) Try to find level. Ask fiancee where level is. Thank fiancee for showing you where level is.
26) Using level and washers, shim up toilet until it is more or less level, if you don't really look too closely, and so it doesn't wobble anymore.
27) Caulk around bottom of toilet.
28) Flush again and find no leaks. Sit on toilet and feel no wobble. Congratulate yourself on being the best fucking plumber in Florida.

Time: 7 hours.
Trips to Home Depot: 3
Trips to parents' house: 1

Oh, and one more thing...

Now that the Florida Supremes have overturned Mierzwa, the insurance companies are going to right quick give back all those premium increases that they justified based upon their increased exposure due to, you guessed it, the Mierzwa decision, right? Right? RIGHT? Yeah, riiiiight...

Ouch...

Floyd Landis found guilty of doping, stripped of 2006 Tour de France title.

As much as I hate to see this (just as I hated it when Tyler Hamilton was caught doping), I'm still hopeful about cycling. The fact that the best and brightest are being consistently caught and punished makes me think the sport may actually survive. Are you listening, baseball?

"Plain meaning?" Apparently, not so much...

The Florida Supremes just overturned Mierzwa. It's pretty amazing that two separate Florida appeals courts (Florida Farm Bureau Cas. Ins. Co. v. Cox, 943 So.2d 823 (Fla. 1st DCA 2006); Mierzwa v. Florida Windstorm Underwriting Assn., 877 So.2d 774 (Fla. 4th DCA 2004)) can look at a statute (in this case the pre-2005 valued policy law, Fla. Stat. sec. 627.702(1)) and hold that the "plain meaning" of the statute is that the insurer has to pay the full face value of the policy when the property is a total loss, regardless of what caused the loss, and then the Florida Supremes can look at exactly the same statute and say "no it doesn't."

I guess only the Supremes can do it that way...

Excellence in blogging

My friend Ray has a most deadly and dangerous post about ice cream. This presents the true pinnacle of blogging. Enjoy.

Busy, busy, busy...

Okay, so I haven't been blogging much lately. Not for a lack of stuff to blog about (I mean, damn, Mr. Touart, what the hell are you thinking?), but mostly from lack of time. New job, working on the house, planning the wedding, keeping the customers satisfied, etc., you know the routine.

So, for those who want something to read and are tired of coming here and seeing nothing new day after day, I offer the following fun websites:

Fark.com - All the news that gives you fits, with fun commentary.

Townie News - Wild-ass BoSox and Patriots rants by everyone's favorite drunk, Fitzy Fitzgerald.

The Smoking Gun - The ultimate authority. Check out the mug shots.

Dubya D 40 - Angry smarty-pants lefty rantings. Guess who they don't like?

Ernie's House of Whoop-Ass - Dirty. Funny. Dangerous. But mostly dirty. NSFW.

Maddox - Dude's funny, but doesn't post very often. Hope you like pirates.

Odd Todd's Laid Off Land - Watch the cartoons, play the games, send Todd a dollar. Or not.

Enjoy. And I'll try to get back to you soon. After the fantasy football draft on Sunday, though. Gotta go work on those cheat-sheets.

P

Just in case you were in a good mood...

Here's the worst story I heard yesterday. I mean, damn....

Man Left Outside Airport for Three Days.

This narrowly edged out the story of the guy throwing his deathly ill, 75-pound wife off a fourth-story balcony, and the story of the mountain in Utah continuing to slowly collapse on miners and rescuers.

I think I need a hug.